Lionel Messi is better than everyone else

The atomic flea has been detonated all over the soccer award circuit. Yes sports fans it has been decreed that argentine international and part time Steve Nash impersonator, Lionel Messi, has swept up all the honors and accolades that one can bestow on a professional soccer player including FIFA world player of the year, and the Ballon d’Or which is a honour given by the French magazine, France Football. While the French magazine might have been tempted to hand the prize over to Thierry Henry, who in last month’s World Cup qualifier heroically swatted the ball with his hand into the path of William Gallas, a Chelsea reject, to eliminate the unlucky Irish lads who now have to settle with the consolation prize of a summer full of beating their wives and shagging their sheep. You cannot really argue with the selection of Messi, I can’t think of any player more deserving. It’s a shame he’s coached by Maradona in the national team, but as the Argentine FA would say, it’s always good to give the most responsibility to the person known to snort the most cocaine. If as I expect the Argentineans get knocked out relatively early next summer, the diminutive Messi could not reclaim his spot atop soccer’s throne. The honours this next December will be given to the person who demonstrates over seven games that they were the best player in a tournament that only lasts seven games. From January until the end of May and again from August until November performances that can win team titles and trophies will no longer need apply. Instead whichever team lifts the next World Cup can rest assured that their most valuable player will be taking home all the hardware that Messi has claimed this year. It is my great hope that next summer Didier Drogba can score seven or more goals and go on to lead the Ivory Coast to glory. In that case I would have won a bang load of money and wouldn’t even care who won the player of the year honours. After all soccer is a team sport and individual honours mean next to naught when it comes to what fans really care about, sex.

Merry Christmas Mark Hughes, Ho Ho Ho

News out of Manchester today is that the once anointed Prince of Wales, Mark Hughes is on the oust. Oasis fan boys all over the world will be in tears as they learn the guy who Noel Gallagher thought could lead City into Europe’s elite crop has been axed. Robert Mancini has been charged with the task of convincing his Togolese International and well known Didier Drogba 2nd rate lookalike, Emanuel Adebeyor not to kick any more Arsenal players in the face. Although one could certainly see why you would want to. As one of the cheeky bastard kids in Mighty Ducks would say, 3 games well worth it.
Carlos Tevez is hopeful he is not cast aside once again. Owing in large part to his circus side show appearance, which is said to frighten little children, the City board of directors will green light the purchase of a new striker, who like Robinho will be duped into thinking they are joining United having only been told by their agent that they have been signed by Manchester.
As for Mark Hughes, he is said to have joined Tiger Woods on Party Fucking Island after been offered generous compensation by the Sheik who hijacked err... bought Manchester City. On a personal aside, Mark Hughes was a striker I never saw play personally but having read stories of his short reign at Chelsea I have come to believe he is somehow related to the Trojan hero Achilles, the perfect ideal of the English Number 9. Note how I saw English as the Ivorian Drogba exceeds all hyperbole. Which is the perfect segue into who I think will win the World Cup. Ivory Coast is my pick to lift the trophy this summer. Having seen none of their matches on TV I will trust that a team with Drogba can conquer the so called group of death, which the press is calling all of North Korea’s first round opponents. If the majority of the squad survives kidnap from Kim Jong Il’s hired ninja assassins, they can match up well with any team in the field. They would like to avoid playing host nation South Africa, a team which will advance to the knockout stages by poisoning their opponents’ food, after having worked so well for the South African Rugby World Cup winning squad of ’95, a team that was captained by Matt Damon. The Ivorians’s main hurdle will come in either the form of Brazil or Spain. If this were the English Premier League these two squads would come first and second every time, but it is my belief that the South African People will rally around the squad nicknamed the Elephants, and give them the added home field edge. I am also completely against poaching elephants even though their tusks make a delightful gift for the holidays.