Cock of the Walk

I have done my best to keep up with American sport while being abroad, unfortunately Israeli media and my own interests do not coincide. I sat off tonight in the hopes that a local neighborhood pub might be showing a NFL playoff game, but was ultimately left dejected having found none of my local neighborhood pubs were carrying any of this weekends games. Instead they were showing the Uzbeki League cockfighting and bestiality semifinal, another downside of living in a neighborhood full of Soviet immigrants. I payed the bartender from Ukraine Boris, and said farewell to my friends, a married couple from Belarus, Boris and Boris. Their favorite saying is “No I am Boris she is Boris, you know this because she has mustache.” I was feeling generous and offered to also pay their tabs. I was shocked to have discovered from the receipt that they each had consumed 2 bottles of Smirnoff each, since they seemed fairly sober at the time i.e. had not yet stabbed any of the other bar patrons. I went home and logged onto the internet to see what had transpired in this round of playoffs.
It seems to me that a boxscore can only give you so much information as to how a game actually played out, so instead I have decided to write down a hypothetical series of match reports based on my own knowledge of this years NFL and pre-existing prejudices.
In Pittsburgh a close game was played between the hosts Steelers and the visiting Baltimore Ravens. An interesting case study in how being rich, famous, and able to throw a ball sixty yards on a rope can let you off the hook for any crime that you might like to commit. Ben Rothlisberger, Pittsburgh’s starting Quarterback had a vintage performance throwing 19 for thirty two passes and molesting nine cheerleaders in the locker room. Defending him was veteran linebacker Ray Lewis who had a disappointing game by his own lofty standards being only able to muster six tackles and two discharged firearms. Pittsburgh won the game and will advance to the next round where they will face the New England Patriots whose coach Bill Belichick has a solid game plan drawn up after having stolen all of the Steelers game plans and audibles. As of now this is specualation having not seen any of the game and the fact it won’t kick off for another hour, but I can guess the Patriots defence really grabbed hold of the game of the game by Rex Ryan’s wife’s feet. Which saddened Coach Ryan because he really really likes feet, and Hagen Dazz.
In the NFC, which unabbreviated is the Nochanceinhellanyoftheseteamscanwinasuperbowl Football Conference the Green Bay Packers cornholed the Atlanta Falcons by a score of a lot to not a lot. Brett Farve when asked for comment on his former club the Packers responded “ I am proud of my accomplishments in Green Bay and hope to continue to boost my ego this summer and remain undecided as to weather or not I want to retire, until some pathetic franchise agrees to pay me a salary equal or greater than that of the G.D.P. of Botswana, afterwards I will skip training camp, throw three times as many interceptions to touchdowns that season, and have inappropriate relations with the female trainers,” said the married Farve. He continued “Also I would like to add that I am better playing in my Wrangler Jeans than Aaron Rodgers will ever be on his greatest day, and if it weren’t for the fact that I was so put off by cocktail waitresses in Wisconsin I would still be a Packer to this day.” ESPN will keep everyone posted on continuing developments in this story on their channel ESPN Farve/Yankees/Lakers or as it known to most ESPN-the worldwide leader in sports.
In the final game of the round the Chicago Bears beat the Seattle Seahawks. Jay Cuntler led the Bears past visiting Seahawks and there 1st year coach Pete Carrol, who is still getting used to paying his players on Sundays and not Saturdays.
What a wild weekend of sports it was and in case you were interested Samarkand defeated Tashkant by three cocks, but you won’t find information anywhere but here, so until next time...

Signs of the apocalypse other than Sarah Palin for President

As we all know the world is coming to an end in the year 2012. Hollywood and ancient Mayan people have told us as much to be true. I tend to believe the former. Not that I don’t trust Mayan’s, I mean they build wonderful pyramids, or was that the Aztec’s? Either way things are looking gloomy. Manchester United now hold a 12 point advantage atop the Premier League, and Chelsea are losing away to mighty mighty Wolverhampton. In May I would of told you that both the Spielberg Hollywood elites and the Inca’s could eff off, after all Chelsea had just won the double. I want to rescind my nomination for Carlo Ancelotti to receive the Nobel Peace Prize that I suggested to the committee after last year’s F.A. cup final. Instead he should be forced to eat goat turd, or watch an episode of Cougar Town. You are probably thinking, “but I think goat turd is delicious how is that a proper humiliation?” And you my friend are right. Roman Abramovich and myself being the Chelsea braintrust, have given Senor Spaghetti an ultamtum. Deliver the Champions League to London SW4 or be locked in an Israeli discotheque after having payed an absurd cover charge, drink fizzy bubblech and listen to a woman being given an abortion over the loudspeaker, or as they call it in Israel, Mizrachit music. Oh wait that’s actually what they consider a night out in Israel.