My blue decade in review: The 'aughts

All over the Internet as well as in magazines, writers ranging from the dimwitted to the obtuse have been compiling top 10/25/100 etc... lists of the most memorable moments, people, events, ideas, and other nouns of this last decade. This being primarily a football blog, and a unabashedly pro Chelsea one at that, I have decided to take part in this sort of list making tomfoolery. Here I want to present to you the team of the decade according to one punter. To start off if you know anything about the sport you will know the key to being a great goalkeeper is to have a equally great mustache. That is why I would have to put Ed DeGoey of the Netherlands in between the sticks. Ed who looked like a Dutch porn star, was known to keep a secret amount of milk hidden in his mustache, and when strikers would levy shots at him thick and fast Ed never would sweat it. DeGoey noted that it is customary before every big match in Holland that towns commence in mile long orgy's along the riverfront. Needless to say the milk Ed carried in his mustache was not from the carton. Ed was last seen handing out fliers for his dildo shop in Amsterdam.
If I was the manager putting this team of the decade together I would insist on a traditional four man defence. As the manager I would list myself first on the team sheet slotting neatly into the right back position. Some might not be familiar with what I am able to do on a pitch and wonder weather a more appropriate selection might have been Paulo Maldini or Gary Neville. Just know one thing, they both suck and I am better than them. Next to me I want John Terry to do all the running and chasing and tackling and heading and defending and anything else that needs to be done to ensure that no one from the opposing squad can score. John Terry is a big strapping lad and this sort of defender works best with the kind of complementary defender with agility, pace, and vision. I can think of no one who better fits this mold than Latka from Taxi. It turns out after Andy Kaufman faked his death, he trained to be a professional footballer. He goes by the assumed identity Ricardo Carvalho, but anyone who has seen a picture of Carvalho will instantly recognize Latka. When told of his selection to be in my first ever greatest team of the decade list, Carvalho grinned sheepishly and muttered a much familiar "Thank you very much." If I have to be serious for a second and really judge a player based on their decade in sport, the only logical choice would be playing John Terry's avatar clone in at left back. Think of a 67 foot tall blue ball stopper, and he wouldn't need a jersey because naturally he's already blue. Six short of a dream team I must blog on. Carlo Ancelotti ushered in the era of the midfield diamond, and here at the DrogsBollox I would like to honor this innovation with the midfield diamond of my imagination. To anchor my diamond I need strength but I also need vision and guile. I would like to nominate a man oozing in both Barack Obama, 44th president of these United States. Suck it Republicans. Next up we have Dennis Wise. Not only a clever passer Wise also "SCORED A FUCKING GREAT GOAL, A FUCKING GREAT GOAL IN SAN SIRO". Which are the lyrics to the number one terrace classic, "Dennis Wise scored a fucking great goal". Who better to compliment Wise than Zinedine Zidane, who according to Marco Materazzi has a whore of a sister, and a slut of a wife. That being said he was a true footballing great and no one can deny that he was the most gifted player of this generation. The only knock on him would be his teammates would complain his breath smelled like garlic and frogs feet, unless of course he was with the French national team. At the top of my midfield diamond I want a game changer, and if Paul Scholes didn't have ginger balls I would nominate him. Instead of Old Ginger Nuts we need an American in this team, other than me of course. Ever since 2006 I feel Clint Dempsey's career has blossomed at a splendid rate. He has lead Fulham from the brink of obscurity to being the second best football club in West London, and my mate Dane went to school with him so that makes it really neat. Now for the most important nominees, the forwards. My love of Didier Drogba is well known and I would be remised not to include his unique talent in the team of the decade. Most great goalscorers do not possess the unselfish outlook of Drogba. Strikers like Christiano Ronaldo or Fat Ronaldo from Brazil or Ronaldingo are brats and would rather be out late drinking and partying or in the case of Fat Ronaldo from Brazil sleeping with she males than studying the tendencies of the opponent goaltender the night before a big match. Drogba learned to do this after having watched Cool Runnings, more specifically the scene where John Candy tells his bobsled team that in order to be great you have to practice bobsledding in a bathtub and not go get in fights with the asshole German's. Thanks to extra time studying turns in his bathtub, Didier Drogba can now drive a bobsled faster than anyone in the premier league. The one element that is missing from my expertly crafted lineup is the man who will bring that bit of magic to any match. The one player who transcends greatness and is practically divine. Even if it is explicitly written in the Torah to not worship idols, it said nothing about if you wish to worship Gianfranco Zola. There you have the top 11 football heroes of this last decade, and if this next decade is anything like the one which has just passed, I can faithfully predict I will definitely drink a few more pints. Cheers!

Lionel Messi is better than everyone else

The atomic flea has been detonated all over the soccer award circuit. Yes sports fans it has been decreed that argentine international and part time Steve Nash impersonator, Lionel Messi, has swept up all the honors and accolades that one can bestow on a professional soccer player including FIFA world player of the year, and the Ballon d’Or which is a honour given by the French magazine, France Football. While the French magazine might have been tempted to hand the prize over to Thierry Henry, who in last month’s World Cup qualifier heroically swatted the ball with his hand into the path of William Gallas, a Chelsea reject, to eliminate the unlucky Irish lads who now have to settle with the consolation prize of a summer full of beating their wives and shagging their sheep. You cannot really argue with the selection of Messi, I can’t think of any player more deserving. It’s a shame he’s coached by Maradona in the national team, but as the Argentine FA would say, it’s always good to give the most responsibility to the person known to snort the most cocaine. If as I expect the Argentineans get knocked out relatively early next summer, the diminutive Messi could not reclaim his spot atop soccer’s throne. The honours this next December will be given to the person who demonstrates over seven games that they were the best player in a tournament that only lasts seven games. From January until the end of May and again from August until November performances that can win team titles and trophies will no longer need apply. Instead whichever team lifts the next World Cup can rest assured that their most valuable player will be taking home all the hardware that Messi has claimed this year. It is my great hope that next summer Didier Drogba can score seven or more goals and go on to lead the Ivory Coast to glory. In that case I would have won a bang load of money and wouldn’t even care who won the player of the year honours. After all soccer is a team sport and individual honours mean next to naught when it comes to what fans really care about, sex.

Merry Christmas Mark Hughes, Ho Ho Ho

News out of Manchester today is that the once anointed Prince of Wales, Mark Hughes is on the oust. Oasis fan boys all over the world will be in tears as they learn the guy who Noel Gallagher thought could lead City into Europe’s elite crop has been axed. Robert Mancini has been charged with the task of convincing his Togolese International and well known Didier Drogba 2nd rate lookalike, Emanuel Adebeyor not to kick any more Arsenal players in the face. Although one could certainly see why you would want to. As one of the cheeky bastard kids in Mighty Ducks would say, 3 games well worth it.
Carlos Tevez is hopeful he is not cast aside once again. Owing in large part to his circus side show appearance, which is said to frighten little children, the City board of directors will green light the purchase of a new striker, who like Robinho will be duped into thinking they are joining United having only been told by their agent that they have been signed by Manchester.
As for Mark Hughes, he is said to have joined Tiger Woods on Party Fucking Island after been offered generous compensation by the Sheik who hijacked err... bought Manchester City. On a personal aside, Mark Hughes was a striker I never saw play personally but having read stories of his short reign at Chelsea I have come to believe he is somehow related to the Trojan hero Achilles, the perfect ideal of the English Number 9. Note how I saw English as the Ivorian Drogba exceeds all hyperbole. Which is the perfect segue into who I think will win the World Cup. Ivory Coast is my pick to lift the trophy this summer. Having seen none of their matches on TV I will trust that a team with Drogba can conquer the so called group of death, which the press is calling all of North Korea’s first round opponents. If the majority of the squad survives kidnap from Kim Jong Il’s hired ninja assassins, they can match up well with any team in the field. They would like to avoid playing host nation South Africa, a team which will advance to the knockout stages by poisoning their opponents’ food, after having worked so well for the South African Rugby World Cup winning squad of ’95, a team that was captained by Matt Damon. The Ivorians’s main hurdle will come in either the form of Brazil or Spain. If this were the English Premier League these two squads would come first and second every time, but it is my belief that the South African People will rally around the squad nicknamed the Elephants, and give them the added home field edge. I am also completely against poaching elephants even though their tusks make a delightful gift for the holidays.