Cock of the Walk

I have done my best to keep up with American sport while being abroad, unfortunately Israeli media and my own interests do not coincide. I sat off tonight in the hopes that a local neighborhood pub might be showing a NFL playoff game, but was ultimately left dejected having found none of my local neighborhood pubs were carrying any of this weekends games. Instead they were showing the Uzbeki League cockfighting and bestiality semifinal, another downside of living in a neighborhood full of Soviet immigrants. I payed the bartender from Ukraine Boris, and said farewell to my friends, a married couple from Belarus, Boris and Boris. Their favorite saying is “No I am Boris she is Boris, you know this because she has mustache.” I was feeling generous and offered to also pay their tabs. I was shocked to have discovered from the receipt that they each had consumed 2 bottles of Smirnoff each, since they seemed fairly sober at the time i.e. had not yet stabbed any of the other bar patrons. I went home and logged onto the internet to see what had transpired in this round of playoffs.
It seems to me that a boxscore can only give you so much information as to how a game actually played out, so instead I have decided to write down a hypothetical series of match reports based on my own knowledge of this years NFL and pre-existing prejudices.
In Pittsburgh a close game was played between the hosts Steelers and the visiting Baltimore Ravens. An interesting case study in how being rich, famous, and able to throw a ball sixty yards on a rope can let you off the hook for any crime that you might like to commit. Ben Rothlisberger, Pittsburgh’s starting Quarterback had a vintage performance throwing 19 for thirty two passes and molesting nine cheerleaders in the locker room. Defending him was veteran linebacker Ray Lewis who had a disappointing game by his own lofty standards being only able to muster six tackles and two discharged firearms. Pittsburgh won the game and will advance to the next round where they will face the New England Patriots whose coach Bill Belichick has a solid game plan drawn up after having stolen all of the Steelers game plans and audibles. As of now this is specualation having not seen any of the game and the fact it won’t kick off for another hour, but I can guess the Patriots defence really grabbed hold of the game of the game by Rex Ryan’s wife’s feet. Which saddened Coach Ryan because he really really likes feet, and Hagen Dazz.
In the NFC, which unabbreviated is the Nochanceinhellanyoftheseteamscanwinasuperbowl Football Conference the Green Bay Packers cornholed the Atlanta Falcons by a score of a lot to not a lot. Brett Farve when asked for comment on his former club the Packers responded “ I am proud of my accomplishments in Green Bay and hope to continue to boost my ego this summer and remain undecided as to weather or not I want to retire, until some pathetic franchise agrees to pay me a salary equal or greater than that of the G.D.P. of Botswana, afterwards I will skip training camp, throw three times as many interceptions to touchdowns that season, and have inappropriate relations with the female trainers,” said the married Farve. He continued “Also I would like to add that I am better playing in my Wrangler Jeans than Aaron Rodgers will ever be on his greatest day, and if it weren’t for the fact that I was so put off by cocktail waitresses in Wisconsin I would still be a Packer to this day.” ESPN will keep everyone posted on continuing developments in this story on their channel ESPN Farve/Yankees/Lakers or as it known to most ESPN-the worldwide leader in sports.
In the final game of the round the Chicago Bears beat the Seattle Seahawks. Jay Cuntler led the Bears past visiting Seahawks and there 1st year coach Pete Carrol, who is still getting used to paying his players on Sundays and not Saturdays.
What a wild weekend of sports it was and in case you were interested Samarkand defeated Tashkant by three cocks, but you won’t find information anywhere but here, so until next time...

Signs of the apocalypse other than Sarah Palin for President

As we all know the world is coming to an end in the year 2012. Hollywood and ancient Mayan people have told us as much to be true. I tend to believe the former. Not that I don’t trust Mayan’s, I mean they build wonderful pyramids, or was that the Aztec’s? Either way things are looking gloomy. Manchester United now hold a 12 point advantage atop the Premier League, and Chelsea are losing away to mighty mighty Wolverhampton. In May I would of told you that both the Spielberg Hollywood elites and the Inca’s could eff off, after all Chelsea had just won the double. I want to rescind my nomination for Carlo Ancelotti to receive the Nobel Peace Prize that I suggested to the committee after last year’s F.A. cup final. Instead he should be forced to eat goat turd, or watch an episode of Cougar Town. You are probably thinking, “but I think goat turd is delicious how is that a proper humiliation?” And you my friend are right. Roman Abramovich and myself being the Chelsea braintrust, have given Senor Spaghetti an ultamtum. Deliver the Champions League to London SW4 or be locked in an Israeli discotheque after having payed an absurd cover charge, drink fizzy bubblech and listen to a woman being given an abortion over the loudspeaker, or as they call it in Israel, Mizrachit music. Oh wait that’s actually what they consider a night out in Israel.

Hilton family owes me an apology

Almost two full rounds of games have come and gone in this year’s Mundial, and if we have learned anything it’s that Raymond Domenech sucks more than we once thought, and all the talk about the official match ball giving the strikers an unnecessary advantage was a load of bollox. Scoring is way down and my interest is waning. Before the tournament started I thought I would give it a go at seeing every single match. Before Day 3 had finished my effort had been proved futile.
It is a fact of life that sharing sucks, and if I had my way every thing would be given to me on a silver platter. Unfortunately here at the Hilton Mishmar Haemek, management only supplied 1 T.V. between 25 guests. About a week ago I had wanted to see a mid afternoon game between Germany vs. (I am forgetting now, but probably some country Germany invaded in the middle of the last century), only to find out that the plasma set in the hotel lobby piano bar was being used. The offending party had put on the DVD "Crossraods" starring Britney Spears which they had all probably seen at least ten times each in the last year.
Not wanting to be a brat about it, I farted really loudly upon exiting the room and returned to my penthouse suite on the 17 level to sulk.
To be fair in the last ten days I have probably taken in about six or seven matches, and to be honest that is a lot of soccer soccer even for a madman like myself. I almost feel bad to a certain extent for the real journalists having to cover the tournament,hours upon hours of watching roughly the same sequence of events unfold in all too predictable manner, compounded by the incessant buzz of the assclowns with their stoogesticks. Then I remember they were given complimentary tickets and accommodations in South Africa to write about sport and they receive significant compensation for their effort. On the other hand, I write my blog for free, work in a smelly chicken coop and am being constantly attacked by roosters(COCKS), and the place smells almost as bad as the tunnel of shit that Andy Dufraine crawled through in Shawshank Redemption. In addition I am given fuck all in compensation. To make matters worse it’s blistering hot outside and the hotel's pool is still being renovated. Next time I’m in Israel I’m going to stay at the Marriot Magaan Michael.

Stick it up your ass

What ever happened to the football chant? As a football fan I pride myself that unlike other sports, our spectatours can burst into song containing ample wit and sense of occasion. Thanks to vuvuzela, the most pleasurable part of any big match, the ambient sounds of the crowd, has been inverted into an assault on good taste. It was my dream to go to this year's World Cup, but after having watched most of this week's matches I am so thankful that I didn't. The vuvuzela could be the most annoying invention since the pop-up internet ad. At least after wading through the countless barrage of pop-ups, you could see some doctored photos of the Olson twins. In case you don't know what a vuvuzela is, they are what the South African populace uses to signal to police they are being robbed, which needless to say is quite frequently. In a twisted turn of events some asshole thought it would be a good idea to paint their panic horns in team colours, and sell them to spectatours who in turn could blast them constantly while watching the footy match. Imagine spending $2,000 dollars to fly out to South Africa this summer another $2,000 on hotels, and even more money on food beer, narcotics, and match tickets only to find your self sitting next to some doucher, sounding like a 230 lb. wasp. I think in that case I should be able to stab the motherfucker, the irony would be that his police signal would be muted out by all the other assclowns in attendance at the stadium.

Stealing ideas from David Letterman

Top 5 things Robert Green should do after the world cup:

1. Request a move to the spanish league

2. Install video surveillence on his property

3. Never go on youtube and look for Robert Green-World Cup

4. Fly to Bermuda and pick up his 4 million dollar payoff, after having put his life saving's on a U.S. England draw.

5. Cocaine

Something to think about

When asked who he fears in this world cup, Maradona responded. "I don't fear anyone - unless he is wearing a mask." Two days into this year's Mundial, I now have a new favorite quote of all time. This also got me thinking what is that I fear. I live in Israel surrounded by hostile nations, who would like nothing more than to see the complete eradication of the Jewish nation. I don't speak the native tongue, I have no family here, only a handful of friends, and in two months I have to move out of my comfort zone on the Kibbutz and find a apartment and a job somewhere that isn't the Kibbutz. But like Maradona I like to say I don't fear anyone, unless he is wearing a mask. Of course in my case, if said someone is wearing a mask, there is a good chance they might be affiliated with Hamas or Hezbollah. I really don't know what the fuck Maradona is talking about.

Day 2 preview, 1 day early

Welcome back to the little blog that could. I am writing with less than six hours to go before the opening kickoff of the 2010 World Cup, and I am still hungover from last night. That being said I need to crack open a cold one and dive right in to the next segment of the "Ultimate Fake Guide to the World Cup." Saturday will be our first taste of three games in one day, and in South Korea people will be at fever pitch in anticipation of their first game against Greece. Backyards in Korea will be filled with the savory aroma of dog meat, and the the Greeks will be rioting in the streets, not because of the game, but because that is what they do in Greece. I have little knowledge of either squad other than the Greeks are boring, pack ten behind the ball and hope to win 1-0, and they use too much hair gel. The Koreans will avoid traveling to the game by submarine, for fear of their neighbours to the north shooting torpedoes at them. I predict the Koreans will travel by bus.
Next up is Argentina vs. Nigeria. This will be our first glimpse of Lionel Messi, but more importantly hot girls from Argentina in skimpy outfits. Coach of Argentina, Diego Maradona, who is probably high right now, picked 15 forwards for his squad. He left everyone who follows soccer regularly dumbfounded when he left out of his squad, Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti, two world class players who inspired Inter Milan to the Champions League glory. Cambiasso who plays midfield and Zanetti who plays in the defense, would start for every team in the world, but because the Argentine F.A. chose a crack addict to lead the squad, I would not be surprised if Argentina became the first major casualty of the World Cup. Lionel Messi's individual brilliance won't be enough to overcome the fact that Maradona is a bigger dope than the bag he smoked last night. As with all the African teams, Nigeria will be playing with extra vigor and resolve. This Nigeria squad is not blessed with the quality that "Screaming Eagles" fans are accustomed, but a favorable group draw could well see them to the Second phase, stay tuned.
The last game of the day is the biggest and most monumental match I might ever witness, England vs The United States of America. England last contested the yanks in '76. Team captain Washington, was brilliant on the day, winning man of the match honours. Midfield Maestro, Arnold, shocked everyone by scoring an own goal in the first half, but was substituted for defender Lafayette who was equal on the day to English striker Cornwallis. A strange thing happened that fateful day, the French team arrived by flotilla and blockaded the stadium. The English in a unprecedented show of good sportsmanship ceded all Native American territory between the Appalachian Mountains and the Mississippi River to the United States.
We are now moments away from kickoff, time to get this party started. Good luck to everyone who made a bet, and if you bet on Argentina I will have to assume you were high.