Hilton family owes me an apology

Almost two full rounds of games have come and gone in this year’s Mundial, and if we have learned anything it’s that Raymond Domenech sucks more than we once thought, and all the talk about the official match ball giving the strikers an unnecessary advantage was a load of bollox. Scoring is way down and my interest is waning. Before the tournament started I thought I would give it a go at seeing every single match. Before Day 3 had finished my effort had been proved futile.
It is a fact of life that sharing sucks, and if I had my way every thing would be given to me on a silver platter. Unfortunately here at the Hilton Mishmar Haemek, management only supplied 1 T.V. between 25 guests. About a week ago I had wanted to see a mid afternoon game between Germany vs. (I am forgetting now, but probably some country Germany invaded in the middle of the last century), only to find out that the plasma set in the hotel lobby piano bar was being used. The offending party had put on the DVD "Crossraods" starring Britney Spears which they had all probably seen at least ten times each in the last year.
Not wanting to be a brat about it, I farted really loudly upon exiting the room and returned to my penthouse suite on the 17 level to sulk.
To be fair in the last ten days I have probably taken in about six or seven matches, and to be honest that is a lot of soccer soccer even for a madman like myself. I almost feel bad to a certain extent for the real journalists having to cover the tournament,hours upon hours of watching roughly the same sequence of events unfold in all too predictable manner, compounded by the incessant buzz of the assclowns with their stoogesticks. Then I remember they were given complimentary tickets and accommodations in South Africa to write about sport and they receive significant compensation for their effort. On the other hand, I write my blog for free, work in a smelly chicken coop and am being constantly attacked by roosters(COCKS), and the place smells almost as bad as the tunnel of shit that Andy Dufraine crawled through in Shawshank Redemption. In addition I am given fuck all in compensation. To make matters worse it’s blistering hot outside and the hotel's pool is still being renovated. Next time I’m in Israel I’m going to stay at the Marriot Magaan Michael.

Stick it up your ass

What ever happened to the football chant? As a football fan I pride myself that unlike other sports, our spectatours can burst into song containing ample wit and sense of occasion. Thanks to vuvuzela, the most pleasurable part of any big match, the ambient sounds of the crowd, has been inverted into an assault on good taste. It was my dream to go to this year's World Cup, but after having watched most of this week's matches I am so thankful that I didn't. The vuvuzela could be the most annoying invention since the pop-up internet ad. At least after wading through the countless barrage of pop-ups, you could see some doctored photos of the Olson twins. In case you don't know what a vuvuzela is, they are what the South African populace uses to signal to police they are being robbed, which needless to say is quite frequently. In a twisted turn of events some asshole thought it would be a good idea to paint their panic horns in team colours, and sell them to spectatours who in turn could blast them constantly while watching the footy match. Imagine spending $2,000 dollars to fly out to South Africa this summer another $2,000 on hotels, and even more money on food beer, narcotics, and match tickets only to find your self sitting next to some doucher, sounding like a 230 lb. wasp. I think in that case I should be able to stab the motherfucker, the irony would be that his police signal would be muted out by all the other assclowns in attendance at the stadium.

Stealing ideas from David Letterman

Top 5 things Robert Green should do after the world cup:

1. Request a move to the spanish league

2. Install video surveillence on his property

3. Never go on youtube and look for Robert Green-World Cup

4. Fly to Bermuda and pick up his 4 million dollar payoff, after having put his life saving's on a U.S. England draw.

5. Cocaine

Something to think about

When asked who he fears in this world cup, Maradona responded. "I don't fear anyone - unless he is wearing a mask." Two days into this year's Mundial, I now have a new favorite quote of all time. This also got me thinking what is that I fear. I live in Israel surrounded by hostile nations, who would like nothing more than to see the complete eradication of the Jewish nation. I don't speak the native tongue, I have no family here, only a handful of friends, and in two months I have to move out of my comfort zone on the Kibbutz and find a apartment and a job somewhere that isn't the Kibbutz. But like Maradona I like to say I don't fear anyone, unless he is wearing a mask. Of course in my case, if said someone is wearing a mask, there is a good chance they might be affiliated with Hamas or Hezbollah. I really don't know what the fuck Maradona is talking about.

Day 2 preview, 1 day early

Welcome back to the little blog that could. I am writing with less than six hours to go before the opening kickoff of the 2010 World Cup, and I am still hungover from last night. That being said I need to crack open a cold one and dive right in to the next segment of the "Ultimate Fake Guide to the World Cup." Saturday will be our first taste of three games in one day, and in South Korea people will be at fever pitch in anticipation of their first game against Greece. Backyards in Korea will be filled with the savory aroma of dog meat, and the the Greeks will be rioting in the streets, not because of the game, but because that is what they do in Greece. I have little knowledge of either squad other than the Greeks are boring, pack ten behind the ball and hope to win 1-0, and they use too much hair gel. The Koreans will avoid traveling to the game by submarine, for fear of their neighbours to the north shooting torpedoes at them. I predict the Koreans will travel by bus.
Next up is Argentina vs. Nigeria. This will be our first glimpse of Lionel Messi, but more importantly hot girls from Argentina in skimpy outfits. Coach of Argentina, Diego Maradona, who is probably high right now, picked 15 forwards for his squad. He left everyone who follows soccer regularly dumbfounded when he left out of his squad, Esteban Cambiasso and Javier Zanetti, two world class players who inspired Inter Milan to the Champions League glory. Cambiasso who plays midfield and Zanetti who plays in the defense, would start for every team in the world, but because the Argentine F.A. chose a crack addict to lead the squad, I would not be surprised if Argentina became the first major casualty of the World Cup. Lionel Messi's individual brilliance won't be enough to overcome the fact that Maradona is a bigger dope than the bag he smoked last night. As with all the African teams, Nigeria will be playing with extra vigor and resolve. This Nigeria squad is not blessed with the quality that "Screaming Eagles" fans are accustomed, but a favorable group draw could well see them to the Second phase, stay tuned.
The last game of the day is the biggest and most monumental match I might ever witness, England vs The United States of America. England last contested the yanks in '76. Team captain Washington, was brilliant on the day, winning man of the match honours. Midfield Maestro, Arnold, shocked everyone by scoring an own goal in the first half, but was substituted for defender Lafayette who was equal on the day to English striker Cornwallis. A strange thing happened that fateful day, the French team arrived by flotilla and blockaded the stadium. The English in a unprecedented show of good sportsmanship ceded all Native American territory between the Appalachian Mountains and the Mississippi River to the United States.
We are now moments away from kickoff, time to get this party started. Good luck to everyone who made a bet, and if you bet on Argentina I will have to assume you were high.

Drinking around the world, in cups

In case you were living under a rock or are from the United States you might of heard that the World Cup is set to begin this week. Here at the DrogsBollox I wanted to give you a quick rundown of what to expect from this summer's tournament. Included in my mini-guide will be facts, figures, and my own personal misgivings on life. To start things off let's talk about the host country South Africa. Founded in the year who gives a shit by a bunch of crooks deported form England, deemed to vile even to live in Liverpool, South Africa has grown to be the second most prosperous country in the Southern tip of Africa trailing only the mighty Botswana. You might of heard of Nelson Mandela. In case you haven't you probably grew up in South Africa. Star player Stephen Pinnear is expected to lead his country to a strong 4th place finish in group A. While there might only be 4 countries in each given group, it will be a great success if the team comes out of the tournament with their wallets still in their own possession. South Africa's leading exports include, conflict diamonds, dried meats, and Apartheid. Facing the South African team, affectionately known as the Chumbawumbas will be the Taco Bell/Julio's Car Wash All Star Selection Squad, or better known as, the Mexican National Team. This team is expected to do well, the main stumbling block to any success they might achieve is their proclivity to taking siesta's at half-time. Many expect the "Bean Team" to take a commanding lead by half time of the opening match. The challenge will be for the officials to wake the players up in time to take the field for the second period. I expect the first game to end 5-5, with South Africa falling agonizingly short of taking the full 3 points, due to the fact the ref having to red card the whole South African Squad for trying to steal his card book even though he keeps no money in it.
In the other match of the opening day we have France Vs Uruguay. The French,who famously can't fight, and would be speaking German had it not been for American intervention, are a shadow of the team that dominated the early part of the decade. Without the legendary Zinedine Zidane, they come into the tournament without any creativity or guile. New laws were passed in France that disallows any religious symbols to be worn in public. It's a shame because it will take the grace of god for these frogies to have any chance of reclaiming glory of tournaments past. Former coach Raymond Domenech was said to have picked his squad based on the astrological calender, I wish I was joking, but this is the gods honest truth. Frank Ribery the most famous tadpole of the lot will hope to keep the team afloat, but it's this writers opinion that they will fall short of eventual group winners Uruguay in the opening match, leading to new laws in France banning the public display of the French jersey. Uruguay who won the first two World Cups in 1930 and '34 are expected to field a strong squad and could be a dark horse pick to make a deep run in this tournament. Schoolchildren will be laughing their asses off after hearing that their really is country that sounds a lot like U.R.Gay. And with that readers we have a wrap up of day 1 of this year's tournament. I want to invite you to join me for the second and final installment of my guide to the Fifa World Cup, coming out as soon as I'm drunk enough to write it. Cheers