Drinking around the world, in cups

In case you were living under a rock or are from the United States you might of heard that the World Cup is set to begin this week. Here at the DrogsBollox I wanted to give you a quick rundown of what to expect from this summer's tournament. Included in my mini-guide will be facts, figures, and my own personal misgivings on life. To start things off let's talk about the host country South Africa. Founded in the year who gives a shit by a bunch of crooks deported form England, deemed to vile even to live in Liverpool, South Africa has grown to be the second most prosperous country in the Southern tip of Africa trailing only the mighty Botswana. You might of heard of Nelson Mandela. In case you haven't you probably grew up in South Africa. Star player Stephen Pinnear is expected to lead his country to a strong 4th place finish in group A. While there might only be 4 countries in each given group, it will be a great success if the team comes out of the tournament with their wallets still in their own possession. South Africa's leading exports include, conflict diamonds, dried meats, and Apartheid. Facing the South African team, affectionately known as the Chumbawumbas will be the Taco Bell/Julio's Car Wash All Star Selection Squad, or better known as, the Mexican National Team. This team is expected to do well, the main stumbling block to any success they might achieve is their proclivity to taking siesta's at half-time. Many expect the "Bean Team" to take a commanding lead by half time of the opening match. The challenge will be for the officials to wake the players up in time to take the field for the second period. I expect the first game to end 5-5, with South Africa falling agonizingly short of taking the full 3 points, due to the fact the ref having to red card the whole South African Squad for trying to steal his card book even though he keeps no money in it.
In the other match of the opening day we have France Vs Uruguay. The French,who famously can't fight, and would be speaking German had it not been for American intervention, are a shadow of the team that dominated the early part of the decade. Without the legendary Zinedine Zidane, they come into the tournament without any creativity or guile. New laws were passed in France that disallows any religious symbols to be worn in public. It's a shame because it will take the grace of god for these frogies to have any chance of reclaiming glory of tournaments past. Former coach Raymond Domenech was said to have picked his squad based on the astrological calender, I wish I was joking, but this is the gods honest truth. Frank Ribery the most famous tadpole of the lot will hope to keep the team afloat, but it's this writers opinion that they will fall short of eventual group winners Uruguay in the opening match, leading to new laws in France banning the public display of the French jersey. Uruguay who won the first two World Cups in 1930 and '34 are expected to field a strong squad and could be a dark horse pick to make a deep run in this tournament. Schoolchildren will be laughing their asses off after hearing that their really is country that sounds a lot like U.R.Gay. And with that readers we have a wrap up of day 1 of this year's tournament. I want to invite you to join me for the second and final installment of my guide to the Fifa World Cup, coming out as soon as I'm drunk enough to write it. Cheers